Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Winter Blues, and Seeing Lights

It's funny that I was on a hiatus after two posts, but I was in a funk.

This is the first actual funk I have been in for two years, not including a deep heartbreak I went through last year. I'm sure I will get into that story another time as it has affected me in so many ways.

So why did this happen? I guess it's a few things, but the beginning of winter has always been a downer for me, as it is for so many people - even more so now because I go out a lot more in the summer than I did as a teenager. As a teen I was almost always indoors, I vilified the sun; it was my enemy. I still liked it, however, even just knowing it was there. My blinds would be closed. My mother would always ask me why I cared if it was sunny or not, because I always closed my blinds, and I always slept most of the day.
Well, nothing has changed in that respect. I still sleep late, and I still keep my blinds shut. But now I embrace the sun, and I like to be out in it. I want my vitamin D. I feel happier, and I like the long daylight hours, because I am a night person. If I don't see ANY daylight, I will become a mopey goose. And throughout November, all we had was dismal gray skies and rain. The only night I enjoyed it was when there was some thunder. We had 4 storms this year, which was thrilling, as we usually get zero.

The best storms were in the summer. The most beautiful sky I've ever seen in the entire world, was in Vancouver in July. The entire sky turned orange like the apocalypse. I didn't hear thunder because I was inside at work, but through my windows I had the best view in the whole place, and everyone was mesmerized; all my coworkers stopped doing what they were supposed to be doing, including the managers, just to gaze at the wonders taking place.

Orange skies and lightning bolts. The most amusing thing is that there was fireworks that night as well, and they were outdone by nature, as most things usually are.

These are my favourite photos from that day:

I am getting off topic as usual, which was my sour state of mind. The bleakness of weather, getting a cold (no matter how hard I tried to avoid it - though it's minor and at least not the flu), my period (which has made me MORE sensitive since going raw), having my hours cut at work just after I spent a ton of money on Christmas gifts (the first time I have been able to, really, and was very excited to be able to), feeling lonesome in general. A lack of intense closeness from anyone in my life was getting me down. I wasn't able to grasp the happy, positive place I am usually in, and seemed to keep sinking further down.

I really don't like to write about these things anymore. I have blogged on Livejournal for 9 years and a lot of my early writings were just rants and whining about all the "problems" I had - instead of actually doing something to remedy them. And I find a lot of blogs are just ranting and whining - which can be enjoyable sometimes, but I much prefer to read positive stuff.

But! Even that can be obnoxious. When people are happy 24/7, and they write about nothing else, it can also be tedious. I like a mix, with the scale sliding towards the blissful, amazing things about life. I like REALness. I will write about being sad, but I do not want to WHINE, or complain, because I won't be writing about it for pity. And when I see the things that were getting me down, it seems very petty. It never seems that way at the time, but my brain wanted to drag me deep into depression. My brain fooled itself into it, as it will. It's silly. I think the cause was mostly physical pains and boredom, giving me too much time to be lazy and let my mind wander into dark places.

I like to write about sadness now after I've come out of it, so I can reflect about it. Learn from it. I always learn a lot by babbling to others and to myself, which is what this is, I guess.

I was out with my dog tonight around 3am, and noticed that even though it's winter time, and very cold, it was SILENT outside, and lit up by a half moon and blue holiday lights and it was very pretty. And I found myself loving it. Bundled up, warm, with my sweet pooch, in the crispness. There are lovely things about winter, and I have to focus on those.

I need to get myself a toboggan.

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